Hawt: Using an "AKA"

If you're not already using an AKA or a nickname, it's probably because you've been locked in your room taking full advantage of the World of Warcraft 10-day trial. Regardless of what you've been doing you're eons behind what's popular, and you're an idiot. Here's the real deal: Anybody who is something is using an AKA. That's how the expression goes, right? So snap to it girls and boys. Snap to it like a bleepin' slim-jim.

When I was a young stallion in high school, I met a kid named Aaron. But he wasn't just Aaron, he was Aaron AKA GhettoSmurf

That's right, Aaron AKA GhettoSmurf. You're damn right he gave himself that nickname, and if "GhettoSmurf" doesn't scream "Straight Boss" to you then you need to clean out your ears, ya heard?

Girls can do this, guys can do this. It's fun for the whole family. However, make sure to give yourself an AKA that goes "hella hard". Take mine, for instance: Michael AKA ThugStallionGoinBuck365

See how hard I am? See how much street cred that single AKA gives me? Who wants one name when you can have two? Two names says power. One name? Nahhh, he must be a WIMP.

So, lezzz do it. Here are a few ideas I came up with just to get you all started.

Brittnay AKA Bytchalicious213
Erik AKA TriggerPullerBamBam
Timothy AKA DoMyBallsHangLowDoTheyWobbleToAndFro?
Matthew AKA ImaEatYoDorritos AKA ImaEatYoLunch AKA UCantStopMe
Kerry AKA ZestyBoy420 (Sadly, I did not come up with this. It was my best friend's email account in junior high)
Josua AKA Lionz&Tigerz&BearzOhMy69
Frank AKA YouCantBarbecueNuffinOnDisGrillBlingBling

I hope these help you all get started making your own AKA. When you're comfortable with your new AKA, make another one. Be sure to use your AKA when you are introducing yourself. For example,

"Hello, I am Michael AKA IAintNoSnitch, it's really nice to meet you."

or if you have two AKA's go ahead and use both.

"Hey it's a pleasure to make your aquaintance, I'm Jon AKA WoofWoofThugBulletz AKA iSnatchYoGurl."

I know it seems difficult to just give yourself a nickname, but I hope this post has helped. We will be posting an instructional video on the basics of giving yourself a nickname soon. Stay Looney Tuned.

Seacrest OUT. Not really though.

Nawt hawt: Above-the-knee, pleated shorts

Just say it. You're confused. 

And you know, what? It's OK. While pleated, above-the-knee shorts aren't for everybody, they don't discriminate when it comes to rendering anyone who comes into contact with them confounded, confused and catatonic. 

And you thought H1N1 was bad.

In fact, if swine flu were a middle-aged father in the United States (and parts of Canada) during the summer months, it would surely wear these gems, which are downright dangerous. Can you contract anything from it? No, of course not silly. That is, if you don't count the kind of influence it has on younger generations, scarred not only from seeing their parents in the shorts but also by believing that they are acceptable to wear at said age range. 

Kids, just say no. 

Pleated, above-the-knee shorts, along with fanny packs and sweaters tied around the shoulders in the front, are some of the veritable 'big-game' dad fashion that emerges from their respective slumbers each late spring and summer. Most commonly found at state and national parks like Mt. Rushmore, Crater Lake and any Market of Choice anywhere in Eugene, pleated shorts are a favorite at office barbeque parties and middle-aged blind dates. When paired with the ubiquitous, tucked-in polo shirt (the daring reach for the T-shirt and tuck it in like David Robinson) it's a combination that is as unstoppable like Adam Morrison and D.J. Mbenga off the Laker bench. 

Why are they so popular? The answer is simple: a lethal combination of dress and casual that leaves the ladies lingering. Before dad even opens his mouth, the shorts speak for themselves. "Slacks are for posers. I'm ready for a little family-friendly fun everyone that lets my legs breathe."

But while the legs breathe, our breath is taken away. Dads think that they mix the office and the party mutually, but all they really do is leave their loved ones in the middle, forced to choose. During the winter months, they'll go back to their jeans or full-length slacks, but summer opens that window of opportunity to wear them high above the knee, looking nice. (White running shoes and ankle socks optional.)

Typically pleated shorts come in khaki, which like the shorts themselves, is a neutral color that lets everyone know you can't decide one way or another to dress and you'd rather play it safe. But like our bold model in the picture, they come in navy, black — hell, even denim can get their pleat on. But in the interest of future generations, maybe that's a little too much leg to be showing, no matter how hawt you think the pleated is or how high you're rocking it. 

So dads, please. Pleated shorts are not hawt. 

Hawt: Turtlenecks

Fact: Turtlenecks are back. Green, blue, white, red, purple, black, grey. Any color. Every color. All day. Every day.

Everybody's been making a big to do about V-necks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, V-necks are great. I have one, the breathability in that thing is terrific, but I see 1,000 of them a day. And the double V-neck? Are you kidding me? Who thought that would be a good idea? Not this guy. So put your chest hair back in its cage for a minute(If you're a dude), simmer down and listen up.

Rocking a turtleneck isn't hard. During my illustrious days as a young student at Hillcrest Elementary School, nobody, and I mean nobody, rocked a turtleneck harder than me. When I wore them, girls simply couldn't handle it. My folds were made with Shick Quattro Titanium-like precision and the game was too easy. Red T-necks, green T-necks, white T-necks, I could pull them all off. I would walk on the playground and girls would fall off of the monkey bars simply because they saw my turtlenck. Nurse Nancy was a busy busy woman when I wore those firecrackers. It's not just me though, I mean I do look rediculously good in turtlenecks, but everybody can wear one. Grandmas, dads, moms and kids. Turtlenecks are great for the whole family.

Along with flat out sexiness, turtlenecks also offer variety. There are multiple ways to wear the turtleneck: you can fold the neck, you can leave the neck up or you can roll the neck down. Either way, it's a win-win situation.

Turtlenecks are great in the winter, but they are really perfect for all seasons. In the summer you can wear a turtleneck to protect your neck from harmful UV rays and sunburns. After all, who wants to be a redneck? Not this guy. Also, turtlenecks protect you from hickeys. Who wants a hickey? This guy. In the spring, you can wear them out with a light blazer, and they go great with both pants and shorts. Personally, I just wear my turtleneck like a boss, and you should too.

T-necks are powerful and empowering. They have "successful" written all over them. They also give you a ton street cred--and street cred is the most important thing in life. So start wearing T-necks.

Nawt Hawt: Non-Prescription Glasses

There are some things I'll never understand, why people, excuse me, let me rephrase that, why hipsters wear over-sized glasses they don't need, is one of them. I mean, do you really desire a visual impairment? Is that what you want? When my youngest sister was really young she would always say, "I want braces, boobs, babies and glasses." She got two of those. Fortunately she doesn't have any babies (She's 18) and she never needed glasses, but she always wore them when she played dress up.

I'm not just rambling. I'm not just picking on hipsters again. I'm just making a point. Be yourself. If you don't need glasses, don't wear them. It's not a very difficult concept. I know, I know, Kanye West rocks fake glasses, Lil' Wayne does too. As does the "We only own flannel shirts and ride pixies" gang. Girls do it, guys do it and surprise, surprise they all look like ignoramuses. It makes no sense. For those of us who actually do have to wear REAL glasses, I think we'd all agree that it's an absolute thrill to get up in the morning and not be able to see across the room. You really want glasses? Stop eating your carrots.

Listen, we understand if you just can't stop wearing fake glasses, sometimes it feels good to act and look like a fool, but Nawt or Hawt has come up with some ways to ween you off the non-prescription glasses trend.

1. Wear a clear, plastic face mask like NBA players choose wear after they break their nose.
2. Wear a football helmet or hockey helmet.
3. Wear a pair of soccer goalie gloves.
4. Wear your baseball mitt to class or work.
5. Use a cane or a walker to walk.
6. Wear a pair of corrective shoes or clodhoppers.
7. Wear a back brace.
8. Wear a knee brace
9. Go to the doctor, get a cast on your arm, leg or hand.
10. Get a fake hearing aid.

Honestly, it's really going to be about fake hearing aids. Ultimately, they are going to be the next fake glasses trend. Start out with just one, but if you're really feeling ambitious, get two of them, one for each ear.

Fake hearing aids are going to be as hip as your coxal bone.

Maybe Kanye will pick it up, maybe Lil' Wayne will give it a go. Don't be apprehensive, you're going to look a lot cooler than you think.

Baby Got Back

For all the eight followers out there, I'm sure these past couple weeks have been excruciatingly painful. I know you all have been checking the blog religiously and endlessly hitting the refresh button on your Internet browsers, but Nawt or Hawt has been busy doing some really, really important things. So to make a short story even shorter, we're back like Paula Abdul. Go on, wipe up those tears and quit watching reruns of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" on E!

Friday's Five

Friday's Five: Websites That Will Significantly Improve Your Life

1. http://www.farmersonly.com/

The web address is a lie. This online dating and friendship finder goldmine isn't only for farmers. You don't have to milk cows every morning or play "What Gear Am I In?" with your buddies to pan for gold in this river, you just have to understand those farmer values. Just read this success story.

"After not having dated for a couple of years, my daughters wanted to put me on eH*****y. I said no way and someone, to this day I don't remember who, said "Sandra, you need to go on Farmersonly.com, you always say you want to own and live on a farm and have horses, grow vegetables" so I took a chance. "41 year old empty nester" signed on and 24 hours later met "The Horse Whisperer" that was around June 2006. Several e-mails, phone calls and a background check, I met Michael in person, not without having me son in law on the phone asking for the tag of his Ford truck. Our first date lasted 6 hours, he was perfect, tall, handsome, latin, lived on a farm, had horses, loved dogs and working in the yard and his children were grown, just as mine. The nicest thing was that we were both brutally honest about our looks, likes and dislikes (that is huge, the honesty). Everything fell into place, the planets seemed to know we were meant to be together we were soulmates.

Well it's been almost three years and we married on February 21, 2009.

Thank you for helping us find each other."

-Sandra

Registration is free and so far, according to the site, there have been over 100 marriages.

2. http://www.mailorderbrides.com/

If that web address doesn't lure you to the website, this warning from the website will.

"Mail order brides around the world are waiting
Do not make the very worst mistake possible when searching for Russian mail order brides falling in love before actually meeting! The temptation to fall in love with a photo(s) is powerful, especially if there is a void in your life. Almost all who travel to meet one lady are very disappointed. Why? Because there is no way to know any Russian bride until you meet her face-to-face. And, there is no way for her to know you! Usually you or the lady is awakened from your fantasy within a few minutes after first meeting. And for YOU, having spent so much time and money to travel to meet this lady, this awakening can be very disappointing indeed. Russian mail order brides fantasies are very powerful and very difficult to dispel. No attempt will be made here. But, at least cover yourself with a plan B."

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, right?

3. http://www.annmartinbowler.net/images/makeagecko.pdf

You're welcome, don't hurt yourself.

4. http://www.pattiann.com/webcam/paint.html

Explanation: According to the website, this is the OFFICIAL Watching Paint Dry Webcam, but I'll just let the three, (yes, that's right, I said three) different camera angles speak for themelves.

5. http://www.opendiary.com/

Excerpt from a diary:

"Now that I'm here I don't feel like writing. I had stuff to say and now....I just don't feel like it. I watched Brian and Melissa's kids for a few hours a couple days ago...yesterday? I don't know. Brady was a nasty little brat the whole time, snatching toys out of Sean's..." -written by heart.on.my.sleeve.

To read more of that compelling entry titled "To beat or not to beat?" and other ground breaking diary entries, check out the website. If you're interested in starting your own Open Diary, it's easy and free and a really, really horrible decision.

Attention lady readers! Please, take advantage of this great opportunity in the Portland, OR. area!

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/stp/1160229637.html

5 Facebook Tips

5 things you can do to entertain yourself on Facebook:

1. Poke random people, Don't be afraid to stir the pot a little bit see what kind of reactions you get. 

2. Comment on someone's status something absolutely socially unacceptable, make sure the comment you post will make that person want to reply, make the person mad and offended by what you wrote. Once that person replies to your comment, delete your original comment. Now it looks like that person just commented on his own status. You can also get great results with pictures. Try it out.

3. Ask people you don't know to be in a "relationship" with you.

4. Comment on someone's wall, then delete the comment. That person will still receive the "Notification" but will be bewildered when there is in fact no notification.

5.  Comment the following on people's pictures: "I took this picture" or "I remember this!"

Never Been Hit On Like This Before

Guys, I know getting a girl can be difficult. You can't always rely on your unbelievably-handsome looks, that great head of hair, or your mid-1960's 12-speed Coast King that you bought from some crazy old lady in Junction City. The game is more competitve than it's ever been--and it's not going to stop. Guys go to tanning salons, they wax their chests, they shave their legs, they are a lot stronger than you, they can bench more than you, they pop their collars, they wear v-necks and they use Just For Men Gel, just to "take off 5 years in 5 easy minutes."

The fact of the matter is that you have to seperate yourself. You have to stand out. You have to swim upstream and go against the current. You cannot be just another piece of plankton in the sea, you have to be the Humpback Whale, the one eating the plankton. Did you know Humpback Whales eat somewhere inbetween 4,400 to 5,500lbs of plankton, krill and small schooling fish each day during feeding season? Now you do, you're welcome. But anyways, honestly guys, if you read (and use) these doozies, the advantage will be more undeniable than Under Armour and that's simply a cold-hard-fact. Maybe you're trying to hit on a girl who's been hit on more times than a punching bag. So what? She's never heard these, and she has NEVER been hit on like this before.

1. Are you on iTunes? Cus' I'm probably only willing to pay a dollar...

2. Hey, I saw you on Intervention...

3. Hey, do you have Myspace?

4. Do you use Google? Cus' you're really revving my search engine up.....vroom vroom...Can you hear it?

5. Yeah, I'm actually a T.V. star, I was on To Catch A Predator....they didn't catch me.

6. Can I page you?

7. Guess who has two tickets to the Miley Cyrus Concert?

8. What's your number? We should sext later..

9. I saw your face on Monster.com.

10. Who told you dinosaurs were extinct? *Pull down pants simultaneously.

11. You don't need a rooster to wake you up..I can cock-er-doodle-do-you.

12. *Grab a girl's badonkadonk then say..The commercial was right, you do come with free handling...

Light It Up

A friend and I were walking between classes the other day when we stumbled across the fine scent of a fresh, hot, Marlboro Light. Usually I find the smell repulsive, but on this particular occasion I couldn’t help but take it all in. The cigs owner, an above average looking female, was toking away on her cancer stick, which obviously turned me on. There are few things that I enjoy more than a girl who can really get down on a pack of cigs. I would say they’re a close second behind the girl from the Progressive Insurance commercials.

In a perfect world, every girl would smoke. All day. Every day. There is really no downfall in my mind. They’re inexpensive, they practically whiten your teeth for free, and the post-cig breath reminds me of a fresh-baked pumpkin pie after Thanksgiving dinner.

If you’ve ever been as turned on as I have by that girl walking down the street, talking on her phone, puffing on that sexy cig, now is the time to make your move. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by, because once that cig burns down so will the girls overall sex appeal. And girls, if you really want to pull Mr. Right, go get yourself a pack and the guys will start flocking. Or at least I will.

JNCOs ON EBAY

JNCO SIGHTING

This is serious people. There is a pair of RARE JNCOs on ebay RIGHT NOW with only 21 hours left to bid and already at $96 (off the record...wow). They have an embroidered 7 on the back in a really hip font, and behind that a pair of dice.  To me this means you're rolling the dice every time you put these puppies on.  You're living on the edge.  You're jumping the Grand Canyon on a Harley without buckling up your helmet -- blindfolded. But that bold number 7 reassures you that you're one lucky son-of-a-bitch. you know why? You're an alpha male and you have JNCOs on.

Act fast people.

Heres the link to ebay auction, if someone outbids you, you bid again:

RARE JNCOs w/ Dice and #7 on ass-pocket

Brian Scalabrine: Here To Stay

Nawt Hawt: Kobe Bryant aka The Black Mamba

Hawt: Brian Scalabrine

Yeah, so what, Kobe has career averages of 25 ppg, 5 rpg and 6 apg. Blah blah blah; He scored 81 points against Toronto in 2006, but come on, Toronto plays worse defense than Carmelo Anthony. Fact: In his hayday Gheorghe Dumitru Muresan, who also starred in My Giant, could have dropped 81 on the Raptors and could have casually sipped on a Bloddy Mary while doing so. Ok, Kobe made 12 3-pointers in one game against Seattle Supersonincs in 2003. Yes, he is an 11-time NBA All Star and he has three NBA Championship Rings, but he's on his way out and there's a new NBA star in this galaxy.

Who is it? Did you see Game 7 last night between Boston and Chicago? Then obviously the answer would be, Brian Scalabrine aka The Scaliwag. So move over LeBron, watch out Wade, Scalabrine's got NEXT.

Scalabrine made all the women in the TD Banknorth Garden hot and bothered when he came off the bench and knocked down three huge 3-pointers against the Bulls. It's also rumored that Mariah Carey, who was watching the game from her hotel, erupted into an uncontrolable high note, which lasted some several mintues, when Scalabrine hit his third and final 3-pointer.

The man is a machine. He's like the cotton gin that Eli Whitney made in 1794; Slow and steady, slow and steady. He has quiet career numbers (3.5 ppg, 2.3 rpg) but he makes up for it with his loud, fiery-red hair. Scalabrine leads the league in concussions this season with three. He'll look to make it four in the next round of the Playoffs, when he'll undoubtedly be knocked out cold trying to box out Dwight Howard.

In the 2003 NBA Draft, ESPN's Jay Bilas referred to Matt Bonner as a "poor man's Brian Scalabrine," In 2006, while previewing the upcoming NBA season for ESPN.com, ESPN writer, Chad Ford called Scalabrine a "poor man's Matt Bonner,". Conclusion? He's on everybody's mind.

If you want a Brian Scalabrine widget on your website visit http://www.nba.com/playerfile/brian_scalabrine/

Also, when NBA Fantasy Draft comes around next season, do anything you can to draft Brian Scalabrine.

Wearing Your Sister's Jeans

Verdict: Nawt Hawt

Fact: Emo skinny jeans are the worst fad since the inception of Gigapets. Honestly, if you're a guy, stop wearing girl jeans. They look horrible....and they make you look like a girl. I know it's hip, but you just can't do it anymore. I can't take you seriously. Listen, I like tighter jeans. I have no problem with tighter jeans. Women, ages 18-37, go absolutely nuts when I wear my straight-legged, tight Levi's; that's just a fact of life. Plus, they make me feel like a cowboy. They make me feel like a young Clint Eastwood. But wearing girls jeans? That's a differnt story. So, for the first time in my life, Chingy and I agree on something: How do you fit in dem jeans? These lyrics, from Chingy's groundbreaking 2006 hit "Dem Jeans", pose all the same questions that come to mind when I see a guy wearing girl jeans. In the spirit of my argument and to get the full effect, I substituted the word "man" for the word "girl" throughout the lyrics.

Chingy feat. Jermaine Dupri-Dem Jeans lyrics

Damn, man, how you get all o' that in dem jeans?
Dem jeans, how you get all o' that in dem?
Damn, man, how you get all o' that?
Is you talkin' to me? Yeah, you

I bet you had to jump up and down just to put 'em on
Bet you had to wiggle it around just to put 'em on
Bet you had to lay back on the bed just to zip 'em up
Am I right? You right, baby, that's what's up

Now you can hide a small animal in your pants...again.

 This just in:

The early 90s are back and ready to blow the tight jean phase out of the water.  That's right folks, JNCO's have turned the retro corner and are back in style. a very comfortable fit that leaves plenty of breathing room for your skinny non-athletic legs. Fully equipped with a back-pocket that will fit your portable Non-Skip Panasonic CD player and front-pockets so deep your are almost guaranteed to acquire a small case of scoliosis from repeatedly reaching for your pog collection. So get out there and start the "JNCO movement" today by purchasing a pair of JNCOs at your nearest designer clothing store including Gen-X, Macy's, and Goodwill 

"They're Back"

What We're Listening To

Lou Bega-Mambo #5

Sisqo-Thong Song

Divinyls-I Touch Myself

Mortimer-Naztee Boyz (Seriously, listen to this)

Flap Your Wings-Nelly

SUPER HOT THONG SONG REMIX-Sisqo feat. Foxy Brown

Let's Be Honest

First things first: If you still have stickers on your new baseball hat because it's what everyone else is doing lately, take them off immediately. Your "freshness level" is comparable to a piece of Blow Pop bubble gum and as Charles Barkley would say "Das turrible." Who was the first person that bought a new baseball hat, brought it home and thought "Huh, these stickers just look too good to take off"? The look is old news. I can't walk down the street without seeing a number of guys (who obviously hopped up out their bed and turned their swag on that morning) rocking some MLB New Era hat with at least three stickers on it. I can't stand it, so figure it out.

If you're tired of looking like all the other hipsters on the block and if you're tired of the same old trends, then listen up. In the days, weeks, months, centuries and eons to come we'll be revealing the hottest trends--trends that aren't even trends yet. Some are in the oven, some are in the slow cooker and some are about to come out of the womb. Honestly, if you want to look better than everyone else, and if you want to know more than everyone else, check in to NAWT OR HAWT frequently, and remember: If you're here, you're in the right place.